***

Unfortunately the main principle of happiness in a couple – devotion towards each other – has almost been lost in our modern society. This is the feeling that, every time you meet your chosen one, you are meeting as if for the first time — la primera vez. And every time you are amazed by the huge mystery before you.

Many people having lived side by side for many years do not even know each other. A couple came on one of our expeditions to Mexico and there they discovered things about each other which they hadn’t been able to discover during all their years spent together. Nature untouched by civilization and the holy mountains of Oaxaca Madre de Sur helped them finally to get to know each other and openly look into each other’s hearts.

***

There are unions in which partners feed and strengthen each other like wind and fire, and there are those for which the opposite is true – they suppress and weaken each other like fire and water.

What happened between my ex and I one day was the turning point in our relationship.

45 days had gone by since the start of my last period. My ex started panicking. He said that we urgently need to buy a pregnancy test. I asked him uneasily what the panic was for. He answered that the faster we find out, the faster we can get rid of the undesirable consequences. Everything inside me tightened up. Something collapsed. I felt how two halves in my stomach – Yin and Yang – which were getting ready to fuse inside me any moment now, split into two that very second. I used my willpower to split them apart because I was only open to a mutual decision. There was no fusion and my period started the next day.

I didn’t want my child to feel unwanted. I didn’t want my child to feel lack of love and negation from their parent already in the womb.

No trickery. Either all or nothing.

I knew that I would only conceive a child with a man who truly loved me, who would want children from me, who would be able to give me and the baby tons of love and care, who would be able to deal with the whims of pregnancy, who would melt my heart with boundless gentleness. And this would be mutual.

***

Do not allow anyone to destroy your woman’s essence – to be a mother, conceive, be loved… However hard it is psychologically, materially and emotionally sometimes it’s better to leave everything and just go. Don’t leave it for later; the more a woman lives with a man the more attached she becomes to him. But attachment is cured with time.

Diary entries

Voices came to life right in my empty room, which had not been visited by anyone for a long time. I pulled the covers around me abruptly; I couldn’t warm myself one little bit after sunny Mexico and it was a bit frightening to be conscious of the person I really was.

I had managed to escape from the memories of lost feelings, a lost fairytale for some time. But everything came back with double strength in Moscow, accompanied by the fresh force of cool autumn which I met in complete solitude. And only one thing made me happy; that I was no longer a falling leaf buffeted about by the wind but I was supported by the wind of my promises and oaths, which, if I had any worth, I would fulfill. I would be able to stop living for others at last and start living for myself.

To stop living for the sweet vampires who loved me so much, who were ready to drink me to the very bottom without even leaving a drop of blood for me. And not a trace of sympathy, compassion or gentleness in return.

It would all start with adventures, surprises, sex. Then a cold settling of accounts at the end, greed, jealously, scandals. The tension of a pulled bow string, the arrow pointing right at the heart ready to fly into it at any moment so lightly and easily, as if it were as mundane as washing one’s hands. To tear everything apart and burn all bridges as if we had never known each other. Maybe we hadn’t?

I’m a woman and it’s not easy for me to accept that he’s not there anymore …

“I love you!” So easy to say, so difficult to fulfill …

***

“People never change!” My mentor Juan liked saying this often, especially when I would run back to my ex in hope that he had changed. “This happens very rarely with those who really work on themselves or after serious crises. But this time there was no way back. And no matter how hard I tried to fix things, he had the last word. It was his decision to split up.

It felt as if I had been given news about a death. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces and was covered with a crust of ice. It felt as if there and then, an apocalypse had taken place inside me, and there was nothing left between us except for huge eyes of emptiness.

I would look emptiness right in the eyes because I had no one else to share my feelings with, and ask her: “Who will be able to melt my heart now? How can I now trust a man and love with my heart and soul?”

I had nearly lost all hope. I felt that I had fallen into an ice age where instead of covering the Earth, the ice had covered the hearts of people.

I even went to the Caribbean, but no tropical country could warm my heart until the Universe gave me a gift – life in my belly.

The more you live with a man, the stronger your connection and attachment to each other. And if people decide to split up, each person feels as if they are tearing away a part of themselves, cutting through the flesh. It’s very painful and unfortunately I had to go through this. After we split up I couldn’t forget him for a long time. He would visit me in my dreams every night the first few months after our split. I hoped that we would at least remain friends because we were connected by many things, not just our relationship, but even this didn’t come to be. I ended up leaving everything connected with him; all our friends, joint projects and business… I left the past in the past.

***

In this kind of situation you might ask yourselves:

“What should I do, how can I take away the pain? How can I accept the split? How can I replenish my energy stocks?”

I went on a long journey to holy places, monasteries and places of power in search for the answer. Mexico played an instrumental part in my journey.

Prayers helped me most of all. I would read then every day and night and with each prayer I felt my heart filling with light and thawing like a frozen flower, like a scorched prairie that is covered with grass again, and the tears I cried were like rain that waters the new shoots of faith and love.

Yes, it wasn’t easy for me to leave everything just like that. To be left with an abyss. But it was this abyss that filled me with meaning.

When I came to Mexico, the healers gave me the following instruction: “All that you should feel towards this person is sincere gratitude for travelling together for part of the journey on the train of life. He left on his station and you on yours…”

They gave me exercises to clean my energy and body from my connection and attachment to him and to free myself from the ghosts of the past which couldn’t leave my mind in peace. These techniques helped me get rid of dependence, accept the situation and reassume the feeling of lightness. I will describe some of them below.

Freeing yourself from foreign intentions

We women are constructed in a way that makes our centres open to the external world to such an extent that it can penetrate us directly, take possession of our heart, soul and consciousness and even force out OUR own World…

When I had my first ultrasound at week 6 of my pregnancy, I could finally see my female centre on the picture with the naked eye. I fell into a trance… How careful we have to be as women with and whom we allow into our lives. How careful we have to be to protect ourselves from conversations and contacts that don’t serve us well!